Oh this very topic has been on my mind for quite some time now and I have yet to fully untangle it many streams of thought. Pain for me is a tricky topic. More often than not pain is about the dominance. It is about my chosen dominate making decisions for/about me that bring them satisfaction and pleasure. Enjoyment is so connected to the satisfaction and fulfillment I receive from serving my body to my Master for that purpose that it’s hard to really say whether I enjoy it.
Here is what I know
I know I enjoy my Master using my body for his pleasure whether it is sexually or for pain play. I know that the conveyance of that pleasure and satisfaction to me while I’m receiving the pain makes it worthwhile. I know that largely my pleasure and satisfaction is derived from that very fact. I know that I rarely enjoy asking for pain because I am by nature not a true ‘pain for the sake of pain’ masochist. I’m a masochist for my Masters own pleasure.
I often feel like I have this reserve in me for pain tolerance. At first the pain is perfectly fine, it’s slightly annoying but it’s fine. I’m not necessarily enjoying it but rather I’m a willing participant. As the strikes become more relentless and frequent that reserve of pain tolerance gets depleted quickly. At that point I’m no longer tolerating the pain I’m really fighting it. I’m fighting it tooth and nail to smile and be that good little submissive, your good little submissive. I don’t want the pain, I don’t care for the pain, I don’t need the pain to feel sexually alive. At that point the only thing keeping me present is the now small factor in the back of my head that tells me you enjoy it. As the pain increases that little voice gets quieter until I can barely hear it. It’s there in the back and it’s reminding me you enjoy it but it’s fighting with my body and my mind. Then, like a buzzer goes off my tolerance has bottomed out and every ounce of fight has been kicked out of me and I’m more yours in that moment then I ever have been.
The Grey Zone…
The question as to whether I enjoy pain is a hard one to answer. I don’t like pain and I can say that confidently but on the other hand I do enjoy it. I enjoy what it gives me and gives us. I enjoy that it allows me to lose my footing on reality and slip into this other world. A world where the only thing that matters is me and you and what’s happening in that moment. My world constricts and it’s like I gain tunnel vision. The only thing I hear is you; the only thing I focus on is you. My pleasure and enjoyment becomes only what you grant me because in that moment I’m completely living for you. That reduction in my desire for self-interest and self-pleasure to that of deriving pleasure from your control and your ultimate pleasure is ecstasy. All of those feelings enflame my body when every ounce of fight has been kicked out of me and I am no longer driven by my own self desire but driven by your desires.
In my submission I never lose sight of you as my Master as the person I have chosen to dominant me in all the ways we have negotiated. Our day to day life allows a fair bit of leniency. I maintain my spunky testy attitude but when we engage in scenes my personality changes and it is the ultimate representation of my submission and my willingness to relinquish control. It is the pinnacle of our desires and our commitment to d/s. I love that you let me maintain both sides of who I am, the submissive and lightly dominant-submissive.
The Pain Brings This Place and This Place Is Brought From Pain
I love that you can take me to this place. That I choose the most amazing person to take me, strip me and provide me who I really am. This place I talk of provides me more pleasure then I think you realize and it makes me feel like I’m continually given the best gift ever. I sometimes wonder if you derive as much satisfaction and pleasure as I do from watching your enjoyment.
The Pain Helps To Make Me Feel Alive.
The dominance and the pain take me to this place. This place where I feel like your submissive where I feel like I am yours, where I feel the most grounded, where I feel the most pleasure just from watching you and serving you. The pain takes me to this place, I hate it but I love that it takes me and you to this place of ecstasy.
The Pain Is One Path To Ultimate Surrender