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The Biggest Problem I’m Facing Right Now- Living Authentically Everyday.

I haven’t been posting a lot of material lately despite the fact that I’m writing all the time. My writings lately all seem so disjointed. The ideas all seem tangential yet related. I haven’t been able to isolate each thought to understand it individually.

I start with one idea and as I write to understand it it morphs into another idea and another and they all feel extremely codependent.

It seems like this isn’t just with kink either it’s with everything. It’s in thinking about my career, my relationships with other people, the future, the life I want to lead over all.

I’ve always been good at thinking about multiple ideas and individualizing them to understand them separately and then their effects together but lately I just can seem to do this.

Everything is muddled together.

I have weeks of ultimate clarity. Weeks where everything makes sense and it’s all very cut and dry but then I have weeks where nothing seems to make sense anymore.

I’ve bounced back and forth so much that I’ve been spending time trying to understand why I’m bouncing back and forth at all.

The weeks where everything makes sense are the weeks I’m telling myself I can get through anything. That the things I think are wrong, and the things i’m unhappy with are going to be okay because what’s another year or so? During that time I tell myself my plan. I detail it out and like a mantra I tell myself that my plan is very important to getting where I want to be in the smartest manner, aka financially sound.

The weeks where I’m consumed by the feeling that nothing is right… well, those are the weeks when the things that aren’t right are plainly in focus. It’s like during this time I’m kicking myself in the backside for trying to convince myself everything would be okay and that somehow my big life plan was going to make up for it.

When I ask myself to picture a time when I was truly happy I know the exact time. I was living away working a full time job living with a roommate I met when I arrived in the new city. I made new friends, dove into a job, worked out 5 days a week, had socials and get together on the weekends, held a relationship, ate well and lived well.

For a long time I’ve been convinced that what made me happy about that time was the fact I’d moved away. So for a long time I’ve been obsessed with and harped on the idea of just up and moving away. The last month or so it’s become apparent to me that it was never the new city that made me happy, because the city wasn’t that ideal; it was not living at home with my parents that made me bone deep happy.

I was in university at the time and moving away was an option I choose and it was an amazing opportunity and experience because it made me a much much wiser person. When I moved back home to live with my parents again I struggled hard to get used to being back. Those short few months I’d gone away “for a change” really Changed Me.

It was like putting glasses on for the first time and seeing clearly. I was happy when I lived away. I lived a better life, a healthy life, a more balanced life because no one was there bullying me or judging me because I surrounded myself with people who supported me fully.

I’d had, when I was still away, a couple of run-ins with my family. They were really horrible and they stick out in my mind all the time as a beacon of why.

I’d changed during that time and when I came home everything that was once “normal” was suddenly very wrong. I saw things for what they really were – broken.

That was about 3 years ago and I’ve struggled a lot since then. When I came home and began noticing everything that was wrong I started diving deeper into my past and deeper into the patterns I was seeing and I started to believe what everyone else had told me all those years, that some of the parenting I received was mental abuse.

I fight with that idea sometimes because there were a lot of good moments over the years. Beautiful moments that I will hold very dear till the day I die but there was also a lot of dark times that haunt me literally in my sleep. Unfortunately the bad times have soured the good in so many ways.

Those times changed who I was. They changed how I feel about myself. They formed my masochism. They shaped how I interact with and create relationships… or the lack there of.

They changed me and I didn’t choose to be changed in such a way but it happened and I’m coming, slowly, to terms with accepting the fact that I can’t take back or change that fact. I’m learning to own that it happened and own that I am worthy of something better.

Essentially I’ve just grown to want more out of my life and I’ve grown to want a different life. I don’t want the same communication patterns, values, beliefs, friends, parents styles, out looks on life, political opinions, negativity or the sexual shame ect that I grew up with.

I know who I am and I know exactly what I want and I know how I’m going to get there… but right now I’m stuck where I am for the next… year at minimum. I’m stuck because I want to do it right and because to do it today I’d have to rely on someone else and that feels… risky.

The years of abuse affected me and don’t get me wrong i’m not perfect. I still have, what I call ‘quirks’ that are behavior patterns of a time of just fighting to mentally survive. I learned patterns of interacting that were designed to keep me safe even though it wasn’t how I wanted to live. So i’m still working through changing these patterns. Often I need someone to tell me to wake up and choose what I want/need to help me break the pattern becasue old habits die hard as it were.

I also know I need more confidence and I need to demand more respect. At the heart of who I am I enjoy to serve because it makes me happy but I’ve found that that desire has been greatly misused by those around me and I’ve suffered for it a lot.

Essentially I’m tired of the lack of respect I get. Respect as a human being, as someone with feelings and as someone who has needs and wants. I’m tired of being made to feel less of a human being.

Right now the lack of respect and confidence has left my life feeling completely out of balance.

I’m blessed enough to have people in my life who allow me the time and the environment to feel me. They show me, just by being authentic, that there is hope and there are people who lead and aspire to lead the life I want as well. That’s very gratifying and very sobering at the same time.

I’m out of balance because I have these sobering moments where everything makes sense and then I’m pushed back into situations and environments where I can’t be me and it hurts.

I find it draining on my mind, my body and my spirit.

Sometimes I find it hard to move in-between the two worlds, and the weeks where I’m struggling a lot are the weeks I don’t do it very fluently.

When I move into those ‘healthy for me’ environments I spend time purging and then flourishing and when I move back to those unhealthy environments I spend time burying who I really am.

I just want to live a life that is authentic. I don’t want to hide anything anymore. I want to be able to share it all and just exist in whatever fashion I so choose and feel confident and respected for it.

I’m not being the nicest person lately and I think it’s because I’m really struggling and I’m also trying to balance sharing those struggles with the people who make me feel the safest and healthiest.

I’m also not being the nicest person because certain things just feel so out of control and I need to feel either in control or safe… and I’m not feeling either one consistently from a holistic perspective on my life.

Sometimes I just feel so shut down, that I go on auto pilot and I don’t give 100% of myself and that’s disappointing for me. It’s disappointing because, again I’m worth far more than that, I’m worthy of all the things I want in my life regardless of what 20+ years of mental abuse told me.

I’m worthy of my wants.
I’m worthy of my desires.
I’m worthy of asking for such things.
I’m worthy of feeling self-worth.
I’m worthy of respect.
I’m worthy of those things for merely being human.

I want the simplest things out of life because to me they are the most extraordinary.

I want a house, a comfortable clean house that has everything I need, a small comfortable house. With a back yard and a wraparound deck. I want a dog. I want weekend trips and hikes in-between clean eating and organiz food shopping. I want to walk a dog every night with someone(s) I love and I want to read good books and do diy projects that come out ‘okay’ but stay in my home forever because making it with my bare hands meant more than anything. I want to laugh hard every single day and I want to love unconditionally and passionately. I want to go to bed every night with someone I love and talk about my day. I want a job that makes me happy and one that challenges me to learn. I want a community and a group of friends I share my life and my world with. I want to have an open home where people are welcome to visit and stay. I want the door to swing often filling a living room or a deck with people smiling and enjoying themselves. I want each day filled with music. I want to do yoga every morning. And compost. Grow fresh herbs on the windowsill and carrots in the garden. I don’t need expensive things for the sake of expensive things I just want the things I enjoy.

I can live without a mink stole and a Maserati.

I just want to live authentically. Happily.

And that starts today.

Regardless of where I am or the situation I’m in I deserve to be authentic and I deserve to share that with the people I choose because I really do have that power. I can choose to succumb to old patters or I can shake myself awake and make the right decision, the ones that make me proud when I look in the mirror.

I think the people I have in my inner circle see that I’m working hard and I hope one day they will get to see the authentic person I am 100% of the time. stress free and happy to the core.

I need to do this for me and for the people I’m sharing my life with, they deserve that as well.

 

Posting this feels really… silly but writing it was very cathartic. (sometimes i forget just how cathartic, a point worthy of remembering) I’m finding the more open i am about my past, my feelings and personal struggles the more human, validated and okay I feel. 

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Posted by on August 17, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

Switching It Up

Being a switch was the topic of a recent podcast I was listening to and it got me thinking… am I… or rather, do I want to be a switch?

I’ve always found it interesting to hear how other people choose to identify, their journey to figuring that out and what it all means to them. It fascinates me to hear how others have grown and come into their own. When I’m listening to others discuss their kinks I often find myself questioning my own kinks in a very healthy explorative way.

I have opinions about other kinks and dynamics based on how I feel about the kink as it relates to my life. Those opinions are rarely a reflection on how I feel about the kink itself. I don’t judge people based on their kinks I respect them for owning it but it also doesn’t mean that i may desire to practice or experiment with their type of kink.

So the podcast on switching got me thinking, could I…do I want to… am I a switch.

Master and I joke occasionally about whether I want to, or whether he would let me top him. It’s something that we joke about and roll around on an intellectual level but it’s not something that’s ever been discussed on a materialized level.

But it begs the question as to whether I would actually want to top him.

I think I would deliver a very specific style of topping that would grow largely out of my own personal desires as a submissive. Essentially I would top the way I would want to be topped. I actually feel I could make a good top in the sense that I feel I could design great scenes and my understanding of d/s from the submissive side would allow me to create a healthy environment for that exchange to unfold.

There is a debate I hear a lot that questions whether bottoms that top are better equip then tops who have never bottomed. That debate in and of itself deserves its own post but essentially I don’t think one is better equipped than the other but that they carry different perspectives that bring something unique to the exchange. Good tops and bottoms are often in the eye of the beholder and it’s really about finding the right fit for each other.

In slight contradiction I think that my desires as a submissive would help me as a top and I believe I could give a bottom something enjoyable if we shared certain similarities.

From a general perspective I simply can’t imagine being a full time dominate to a male submissive. I understand that d/s relationships and the kinks shared are unique but the general picture of a female dom and a male sub d/s relationship doesn’t excite me.

I’ve watched male submissive porn and I’ve scanned enough fet pictures to see snaps of what the role involves and the most common kinks and I don’t carry any yearning to take on that type of 24/7 responsibility. I understand that porn and fet certainly are not the best or the only representations of what a certain dynamic is but my strong submissive desires and my knowledge that i’m not inherently attracted to male submission has been exacerbated through these mediums. 

Where it gets tricky is when I factor my Master into the scenario. With him I know he is my Master and I know he holds the upper reins and I know I can submit to him and share in my needs and wants. The largest tenet and happiness of my submission is my ability to serve and please my Master.

Outside of my hard limits there doesn’t seem to be anything he could ask of me that I wouldn’t do if I had the understanding that its execution would bring him true happiness. With that true understanding all fears and uncertainties fade away. I put pleasing my Master ahead of most other internal thoughts, needs and wants. I can be very vocal about my wants and needs but I’m also very quick to oblige and trade my wants and needs for his.

Knowing that my service brings happiness to my Master means I could, in service to him, in submission to him, I could top him.

I could very happily turn into a dominant person and provide him anything he desired. Dominance, impact play, cbt… a sadist for his masochism. I could, and i would with immense sexual and service pleasure top him. Being dominant is in my personality i spend all day being dominant so it isn’t a far stretch for me to exert outside of my career. I could do this knowing that i was actually in submission to him. 

Essentially my dominance in that situation would be a display of my submission to him. That submissive dedication, lust, intimacy ect I have for my Master would grow and extend in my dominance to him and, for me, would be a deepening of my submission and that connection we share.

I don’t desire to be a full time dominant but I do desire to serve and please and for that reason I could top a male, my Master.

If I was in attendance of a play party where I had the option to top a male or a female (a person other than my Master) I would hands down choose a female. Largely because that idea excites me sexually and intellectually, in part because I know my Master would take great interest and pride in seeing me top a female but also because I feel far better equip to top a female then a male. I think I would also feel far more sexually confident topping a female.

Even if I was topping a female, the one assuming the power or control, I would still be in service, dedication and be control by my Master. That distinction is important for me because, again, that form of topping would be an extension of my submission.

Topping a female is something that has always intrigued me because I really am a lover of the female body and I would love to exert the control to touch and feel another female body to my preference. I would enjoy experiencing bondage and sadism by topping a female.

But I would love the duality of knowing I am someone else’s submissive; that as much as I may assume control over someone else for a period of time that I am very much under the control and power of my chosen Master. For me that is a beautiful duality that speaks to something very deep in me.

I love the idea of having Master give me the control to top another female while he holds ultimate control over me. I think it would be very gratifying for me to experience both emotions and modes in one scene. To be topping another female yet have my Master topping me… or even watching from the side extending his dominance over me in small ways.

The podcast got me thinking and I’ve come to an understanding that is true at this very moment in time.

I have no desire to top or dominate a male on a 24/7 basis…

I do however hold desire to top my Master should he choose to have me service him in that way.

That desire is not a need of mine but rather a depth of my desire to service and submit to him. That understanding, for me, is that my dominance over him would be a service to him and that he would still hold ultimate control over me which is the satiating factor for me.

The word dominance in the traditional sense paints the picture that there would be a shift in power but in this case that simply isn’t accurate; the power would remain unchanged. Under these circumstances I would have great satisfaction topping a male both sexually and intimately while meeting my submissive desires.

I have come to understand that I could and would greatly enjoy the experience of topping a female which, again, isn’t a need but a desire.. a check box on my kinky bucket list if you will. Again for that scenario to unfold I would want the consent, the permission, and the dominance of my Master. I would want him involved and present. I could never see myself entertaining the idea of dominating another female without him present and with his permission and consent.

Without it I would feel it to be a deal breaker.

I’m not seeking either of these things right now but it’s nice to have an understanding of what it means to me.

 

 
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Posted by on June 19, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Blogging Hiatus

I’ve been on a wee bit of a blogging hiatus lately. It happened rather unexpectedly truthfully… Here’s why…

Both Master and I had a busy schedule during the summer months and our time was limited and precious. During that time this blog was a beautiful escape and acted as a place for me to write out everything I was thinking and feeling. It was a great channel to express myself openly and honestly. A means or organizing and understanding myself and my relationship with kink more.

Both mine and Masters Schedule changed in the fall and knowing it would be short lived we took to spending as much time together as possible; and it was wonderful! In between that I started a new job and picked up a few new hobbies.

November saw us ring in our 1 year anniversary which was quite incredible and somewhat unexpected. Truthfully…that’s a post for another day but when I met Master never did I expect we would be together, as a couple, one year later. It’s quite incredible and I do feel like thee luckiest girl in the world.  

December was the festive Christmas month. While incredibly busy with shopping, cooking, baking, wrapping, visiting and entertaining it was wonderful to spend time with everyone and be relatively stress free. It’s fabulous and for that single reason alone I love the Christmas season. It’s not about the gifts or how fancy and professional your house looks decorated or how perfect you can seem, it’s about the little things. It’s the tree hunting together, bickering about the lights, decorating your tree in all your favorite decorations and collapsing every night because you ate well, talked too much and laughed too hard. Okay I digress…

January and February came in with the unexpected and left with the unexpected. It’s just been busy.

With all that said the weather is changing, winter is out and spring is in….. Well coming at least. The days are longer and I have huge expectations for the coming spring and summer. It’s nice to be shedding the winter blues and bringing on the summer highs.

Hopefully I’ll get a little more regular positing again because I do miss the cathartic release of writing and processing. With that said as nice as the release is I also know I need to be careful not to substitute writing for communication. I also need to keep in perspective that writing is just a means of sorting and organizing my thoughts and not always a direct connection to what’s happening in my world. I love ideas and I love challenging my ideas and writing and thinking is often a way to do that.     

The hiatus wasn’t because I didn’t have anything to say or because I didn’t have anything to write about, it was more because time didn’t allow… so here’s to hopefully writing more in the coming months! 

 
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Posted by on April 7, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Ohh.. Your Still In The Honeymoon Phase

When Master and I got together and would attend kink friendly functions people would always ask “how long have you been together.” Gushingly we would respond… a month…. 3 months…. 6 months… Then a smile would creep across their face as they responded “Ohh… your still in the honeymoon phase.”

Every time someone would respond with that statement I would feel so frustrated.

The honeymoon phase, as people refer to it, is that early time in your relationship when everything is simply new. You’re learning about each other slowly with each date and all their little idiosyncrasies are just adorable. You’re utterly infatuated and lusty. You spend time being completely focused on each other hoping to impress and dressing for success. You want nothing more to spend hours in bed together.

And then… as the phase goes, it all changes. Suddenly all those cute idiosyncrasies become annoying and you’re not interested in spending hours in bed together. The lust and infatuation has turned into comfortable pajamas and movies on the tv. Hours dedicated to each other has been jilted for real life.

Fustration.

The statement implies that that the honeymoon phase has to end. Like we are destine for this bleak and boring life; It’s simply not true.

We can choose to keep the honey moon phase alive. We don’t have to just settle into pajamas at night and movies on the tele. We certainly don’t have to take each other for granted either.

We can choose every day to be thankful to be together. We can choose to enjoy the pajamas and movies and also spend nights charming our partners and taking them on a lusty sexy ride. We can choose to see their idiosyncrasies as still cute and a reason why we fell for each other in the first place. We can bring things back to the beginning and have 4 hours coffee dates that end in a dark parking lot in the back seat of your car. You can choose to see real life as a blessing and enjoy the very fact that you choose to share in it together.

Might sound naively romantic, I know, but it’s all about choice.  

I will give the statement some credit because there is a change in the dynamic of a couple the longer you are together. It’s not a shift of mourning as the statement implies but rather should be a shift of excitement.

There is nothing more fulfilling then when you get to share your life, all of your life, with another person. When they hang out with your friends, when they see you regularly without makeup in your sweat pants, when they hold your hand and stick by you through some of the saddest or toughest moments in your life, when they stand by you in photos for all the memorable moments, when they know all your secrets and still stick by you, when all you want is to make them bone-deep happy, when you both realize that spending quality time together is both fulfilling and healing.

When you realize they want you apart of their life as well.

The lust and the infatuation just changes as you get to sew them into the fabric of your life but it doesn’t have to end.

When Master and I got together it really was a whirlwind and it was fun to live in that limited world of the honeymoon phase as real life waited just behind the door. It was waiting though, and since those early weeks we have embraced it whole heartedly. We recognize that our lives contain more than just kink and… well…us. We have friends and families and we have careers and lives that all have demands on us individually but we also recognize that together we can face it. Together we will face all the good times and all the bad.

A little over a year later since Master and I met and no we aren’t closing down coffee shops and spending hours messaging back and forth. Instead we are making tea at home, watching some of our favorite shows and supporting and loving each other through the familiarity and comfort of our routines admits of some of the chaos.

In the beginning of the relationship you’re fueled by the newness and lust but over time as your relationship stabilizes your fueled by something much more powerful.

You’re fueled by a love and a respect that’s more than the superficiality of the fairy tales of our Disney princesses. 

 
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Posted by on February 10, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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The Old Fashion Submissive

I’m an old fashion submissive.

Almost sounds like an oxymoron doesn’t it? No, I’m not a prude or a ‘modest’ as some would say. I just enjoy privacy and being conservative. I’m just old fashioned.

Obviously being in a d/s bdsm relationship means compared to some my sex life isn’t totally prudish! So what does being an old fashion submissive really mean?

Your kink isn’t my kink and that’s okay. Different strokes for different folks. Those are two philosophies in the community I ascribe too but I also have very strong personal opinions about how my relationships operate.

I’m not quite sure where dating, romance and love changed in today society. I’d like to blame technology, or rather the social media age, but that’s probably an unfair place to lay blame. But somewhere between gentlemen in suits and twitter tweets something changed.

People marry today without a second thought. Divorce is the option after your first real fight and monogamy feels like a societal joke. Nothing is real or official unless Facebook knows everything about it.

I just don’t operate in the same manner. Facebook doesn’t need to know about my lifestyle choice or my relationship status. I don’t need friends in high school passing opinion on matters not of their concern. I don’t need friends drawing conclusions or passing judgements on vague statue updates or tracking my where abouts on four square when I ‘check in’. 

I don’t need to air my dirty laundry over social media. I won’t bash my significant other to friends and I won’t tell personal and private details. I won’t fight with a 120 character limit.

Privacy is a wonderful thing. Certain things are better left between two people. Not everything is public knowledge. Not everyone is entitled to know everything. In relationships we work hard to build trust and a rapport that allows us to each tell our deepest darkest secrets. We work to reach a point when we never think twice about being brutally honest.

Why would we betray that by broadcasting it on the internet or telling our ‘friends’?

That’s not to say we don’t have a couple of close friends that we confide in. That’s incredible important for perspective and because individually and together we just don’t have all the answers so it’s nice to have others perspectives’. The thing is understanding that while we may gather other peoples perspectives we know and understand that the final decisions are ours to make. At the end of the day the two people in the relationships are the ones that must live and own the decisions and their outcomes.

I believe in communication. I believe that communication, if done correctly, will lead us in and out of some of the most stressful decisions and arguments we will ever have. Because of that I believe communication is the only means to deciding how our relationships should be constructed. We have the ability to create what we want and need, we get that through communication.

Right now, at this time in my life, I’ve made the decision to be monogamous. It’s not that I have anything against those that ascribe to poly styled relationships I’ve just made the decision that for right now it’s not for me. It’s not to say that in the future I won’t play with more than one person at a time, what it means is that I prefer a solid primary exclusive relationship. For me monogamy means that there is exclusivity when it comes to being fluid bonded. It also means there are boundaries around emotional fidelity as well. My old fashion self says I should be loyal to the significant other I have choosen. I should not confide in others matters which affect us. Matters which are personal.

We shouldn’t keep secrets. I shouldn’t lie about my mental, emotional or physical health. I shouldn’t lie or hide matters of my family or my friends. Those matters which affect me affect us and lying can become the wedge that make the cracks.

For me being old fashion means my submission is exclusive as well. I choose to only submit to one person. That is my choice and it means that I will not submit to another person, even at the request of my Master. I just don’t believe in submitting to another. As for the loyalty of abiding by all requests my Master makes I simply don’t believe in being lent out. My body is for my Masters consumption only. Therefore, I choose, to the best of my judgement, to never flaunt unduly my body to another. For me my submission is a point of extreme vulnerability that has been forged with a leap of faith and a lot of trust.

I also believe that my Master has a say in all that I do when it concerns my submission, our play and our relationship. I detest the idea of my Master agreeing to things he is uncomfortable with out of a desire to make me happy. I’m not talking about me eating chocolate cake over red velvet either. I’m talking about more complex decisions such as playing with others either sexually or otherwise or whether to do blood play ect. Relationships for me are about making decisions together with outcomes that please both of us.

I never want the burden of knowing you granted me permission to do something you didn’t want me to do because that leads to a feeling that we betrayed each other with our decisions. I don’t want the traitorous feelings associated with such a situation.

It’s not that I think my submission is something special, or that I provide something no one else can. It’s that I think my submission is a choice I make. I don’t have to submit to anyone but I choose to submit to someone because they have provided me the environment and the space to be what I need to be.

What makes me special is the combination of all of these things wrapped up in that fact that my lifestyle choice complements yours.

I’m proud of being old fashion. I’m proud that I haven’t fallen into the pitfall that those of the social media age have. Again I’m not looking down on those individuals that operate in such a manner I just choose not to. Like I said some people think I’m a total prude because of it but it isn’t about that at all. It’s the distinction between the reality and fallacy that we aren’t all entitled to know everything about everyone. Those people that have been allowed to enter into my inner circle are privy to more information but again there are boundaries.

While I might like my privacy and firmly believe that certain matters are to be kept within my relationship I never pass up an opportunity to talk about total and utter smut. I like swapping ideas and I like sharing knowledge. It’s all about the manner in which things are done. I can share knowledge, experience and ideas without degrading or gossiping and I can do so in a manner that respects my partner and the sacred nature of our exchange.

Master and I have worked hard to gain each other’s confidence. We have worked hard to reach a point where we can share our vulnerabilities and emotions without fear of retribution.

I won’t degrade that by sharing intimate details or fighting online.

Call me a prude. Call me old fashion. But I think it is sad that being old fashion is now considered being trustworthy, respectful and holding privacy.

I Am An Old Fashion Submissive.

 

 
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Posted by on November 20, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Faces of Expression: The Stone Faced Submissive

I recently read an article on fet, written by a dominant male, who felt that the most annoying thing a submissive can do is not react. Oddly enough I’ve also heard this very same thing on a pod cast I listened to just the other day. The author of the article stated that they hated a submissive that just had a stone like expression during scenes never indicating their enjoyment or distress during play. As if that wasn’t bad enough, the author wrote, those submissives have the arrogance the next day to say how much they just loved the scene.

The article at first made me laugh because it was somewhat comically written. But on second thought and second read I realized…. I’m that submissive.

I can be the stony faced expressionless quiet submissive.

I’m not that submissive because I feel I can’t express my opinions or feelings and it’s certainly not because I don’t have any. Trust me I’ve got opinions on opinions. I just ascribe to the speak when your spoken to philosophy. Truth be told sometimes I’m not good at that either.

Reason being is that often the opinions, reactions and come backs that sit on the tip of my tongue are more often than not bratty, witty or sarcastic. So speak when you’re spoken too and only say things which are nice.

But while I’m quiet and I’m listening or thinking about a response my head is swimming with thoughts, opinions and reactions.

Often there are two head spaces I enter when my submission is being drawn upon. When I reach states of deep submission I often just have trouble understanding the question. I have trouble understanding what’s being asked and determining what to say. Often I’m just too far deep in my submission to be able to respond. For me this state of submission is highly desirable. I live and breathe being a submissive to reach those moments. That is bliss, reaching a point when my brain just can’t function.

The second state is far more problematic. Let’s use an example to illustrate. Master and I are playing a scene and he’s caning me. In the middle of the caning he asks if I’m okay. Well, first reaction is Let me cane you and see whether you’re okay. A completely bratty and uncalled for response. It’s one of those questions I hate answering because the answer requires a book response. No I’m not “okay”, it hurts and it hurts a lot. My mind is consumed with thinking about the fun, the bruise, the welt, I’m also thinking about whether or not I’m going to make it another 60 strikes and I’m hoping I can endure because I want to serve and make you happy, So no I’m not okay. But please PLEASE don’t stop because I’m alittle turned on….

….. As if a response like will help the situation.

Half the fun for me, and what turns me on to a larger extent, is the mental fight that insures in my head while I think of a response to this question. I love the internal fight that takes place in my head between my submissive and dominant self. I love resolving that thought process. I like reminding myself that the opportunity to be a brat isn’t necessary. Sounds somewhat juvenile I suppose but that process of deciding and letting go of what I really think or what I really ‘need’ is such an important part of my submission. My submission isn’t about me, it’s about my Master, because fulfilling his happiness makes me happy.

I should clarify something. My Master is a wonderful man and when he asks if I’m okay it’s out of genuine concern to know that I really am okay and I am very grateful that he cares and that he asks and it means the world to me to have found a Master that cares so deeply about me. I hope he always asks if I’m okay, I hope, and pray, that he never ever stops asking because it’s part of why I love, submit and care about him like I do. Never stop.

It’s just that my initial thought is bratty. In the end I know that that response isn’t appropriate and I know that it isn’t a response I actually mean or feel so my response usually ends up being I’m okay or I’m fine.

I want the pain and I want the mental struggle I want the fight between my internal submission and dominance because that fight always leads to something I’m very pleased with. This happens during any type of pain play for me, I go through this mental struggle but the continued pain and the continued domination burns away all the fight I have in my dominant self until I feel surrender. This point of surrender happens when I’ve lost all fight, both physically and mentally, and I’m void of all opinion. At that point I am in a very deep space in my submission and I am completely owned. This state of submission is another reason why I live and breathe d/s. So this state lends its self also to being very quiet.

I’m also quiet because talking interrupts my ability to float away into the subspaces I enjoy so much! Also, the design of the scene can often determine my level of quietness. The deeper and the darker the scene the more quiet I tend to become because I need the energy internally to process and endure, more so if it involves a fair amount of pain play.

I often find quiet scenes to be very powerful and especially if they are done with a deep connection. There is something beautiful about connecting without words but glances and the language of our bodies. I have found that less verbal communication brings forth the very carnal and animalistic side of ourselves that is incredible attractive, sexy and pleasurable.

The space that Master and I have right now to play in doesn’t allow for loud screaming, or really screaming at all so in many respects I have to be fairly quit. But I like having composure. I think its incredible attractive to just endure. Not to scream and yell and move and wiggle around like an animal but to stand, tall and proud and endure everything I’m dealt. I just think its incredible attractive.

While I can be that expressionless stony faced submissive I can also be giggly, funny, testy, chatty and sometimes bratty. It just depends on how the scene is constructed and what play transpires.

I made a commitment to Master when we began our journey to always be communicative. I promised him that I would always talk about our play in depth but that it may not always take place during or just after a scene. After reaching deep states of submission I am often unable to effectively communicate during and after a scene. Once all the emotion and endorphins have drained off and my mind is connecting and making coherent thoughts then I’m more than happy to discuss in-depth the good and bad about the scene.

Something I have tried hard to do is give credit where credit is due; to complement and thank. I very often send notes of thanks and appreciation.  I feel it’s important to know that you’re appreciated and that no one is taking advantage of the other. Sometimes I wonder whether sending little thank you notes is too old school or whether they could be interpreted as disrespectful. Well I never intend to disrespect but the complete opposite. I think it’s important to give gratitude. Just because I’m owned and we are exclusive doesn’t mean I get the right to just expect things. When someone gives you what you desire then you should thank them, every single day.

So yes I can be that stony faced quiet expressionless submissive during scenes sometimes but I always try the next day or when I’ve come around enough to formulate thought to give thanks, gratitude and appreciation for having a Master willing to train and use me.

I have safe words, I will use them if I have to.

I don’t want to use them.

I enjoy the struggle.

I enjoy being a composed submissive that can endure and that my Master can be proud of.

I have other means of expressing myself, it might be quiet but it speaks volumes.

 
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Posted by on November 3, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Living Vanilla and D/s Can Lead To Defiance

In many respects I live in two different worlds. One world is very much dominant. I’m making all the decisions, deciding the fate of a number of things and living within a prescribed set of rules. My everyday life is very much dictated in a manner that garners no control.

I have to get up. I have to work. I have to clean and cook. I have to make decisions at work. I have to smile and be tactical. I have to guide the sheep. I have to make decisions and think and keep people on track. I have to be in control because if I’m not nothing will get done, no one will stay on track; no one can step up to the plate and fill the void.

Some of that is natural. It’s understandable and very normal to have to work, cook and clean. Being a submissive, even a 24/7 one would still mean I would have to do all of those things.

I don’t mind making decisions and being organized. I rather enjoy it truthfully because it’s something I’m good at. I’m good at what I do, I won’t say I’m excellent but I’m good. Those responsibilities are unavoidable and quite welcomed.

The conflict is this. I don’t have a break. I don’t have a break from the everydayness of being a dominate. I need the break and I need the release.

Weeks like this one, ones where I’ve been working and moving from one engagement to another non-stop and burning the candle at both ends really drain me.

More than that I’m a complete introvert and being on the go this much is draining. When I have to be in front of the public smiling and chatting, I’m infectious. But it only really last for a couple of hours and a couple of days in a row.

I need the break. I need to step out of this life and I need to walk into my submission.

When I reach this point I get defiant. I get hard to handle. It’s not because I don’t want the domination or the submission. Not in the least. It’s because I’ve spent days shutting that little part of me that needs and craves submission into a box and burying it in the sand. I’ve spent days denying myself that luxury because well life is busy and sometimes the vanilla world just calls upon us. I’ve spent those days burying and forgetting that I have this other side of who I am that gives me some of the greatest pleasures if have experienced.

After days of this process I’m then faced with my Master. I’m faced, finally, with that moment and that time which I am craving and there I am resisting relentlessly his dominance. Doesn’t make sense does it?

I’m just not designed to go from 0-60 in three seconds. I just don’t have that make up. I have to be eased back into my submission. Slowly I have to shed the last week of non-stop domination so I can fall back into and accept once again my submission. I need to slowly understand that I don’t have to be dominant anymore I can let go and not worry anymore. I require of my Master his patients and his slow seductive domination. I need him to slowly ask of, or demand of me, small acts of submission. I require him to slowly shut my brain off inch by inch until it’s consumed by his domination and I have reached once again that pliable willing state of surrender and submission. It’s a process and it takes time. But it’s there and it’s clawing and screaming to get out.

So when I’m finally sitting in front of my Master and I have, in my hands, the opportunity to submit I’m defiant but I’m literally biting my way into his dominance.

I’ve wrote about this in a prior post, I’m a biter and not really in a good way. It’s very much this uncontrollable habit that expresses its self when I’m in need of dominance. It could be that I am in need of just dominance and it could be that I am in need of pain. It’s often hard for me to understand what side I am in need of most but it is something I am working to understand. I’m working to understand it so that I can break this habit and learn to better ask for the things that I am in need of.

I’m carrying a lot of reservations and desire around pain and playing right now that both Master and I are very much growing and learning to live and embrace. That very much has its own element and presence when I am in moments of craving and needing dominance. I’m learning to give myself permission and learning to give myself that acceptance that I need so that I may derive happiness from the pain I desire. I’m very much struggling against years of mainstream culture and value systems.

I know though, that this biting habit I have is destructive and it’s a very unkind habit I’ve created and have been allowed to foster. As bad and as destructive as it is, it is also very much, at least right now, a mode of communication. It says I need dominance and I need to be eased back into my submission and I need to have my personal dominance taken back from me, I need to be forced back into my submission. 

Again it isn’t about pushing me off the deep end; it’s about slowing reclaiming my submission and progressively drawling upon it until I’ve surrendered. At that point I often desire full domination. I want mean, hard play, I want to be owned and I want to go to total jello. I want connection. I want a subspace experience.

I’m very much at this stage right now. Master and I have been talking and planning a scene over the last little while so there is one in fruition. In many respects this scene will take some time. It won’t be a half hour ordeal. It will require set up, warm up and then the scene will take probably 2ish hours and if things go as planned aftercare will be a necessity. All in all you need a good half a day. So we are planning and we are juggling life and we haven’t had a scene in 2 or so weeks. So we are just on the fringe where we are close but just shy of it. On top of that Master has been working 2pm-10pm shifts and I’ve been working two jobs the last week or so doing 12++ hour days. I feel tired and I’ve really spent too much time in this vanilla world flexing my dominant muscle.

With that said the long and very busy days have meant time is going fast but it also makes being apart and boxing up my submission really really hard. It builds up like a nasty little green angry monster just kicking and screaming to get out.

I miss my Master and his dominance terribly today and it won’t be until Tuesday until I see him again. My second job ends tonight (thankfully) and so life will die down again for a little while and my dominant side won’t be called as much which will be very nice. Tonight I must recuperate, tomorrow I’m off and I get to reconnect with a friend and then Tuesday, finally, I get to reconnect with Master after a busy week for both of us.

I can feel it though. I can feel that fuzziness in my head that is exhaustion and need. I sincerely hope that I can be articulate about what I need. I have that feeling that I’m so far past that now that I won’t be able to and I’m going to step across that line and I’ll feel the guilt of not being the submissive I feel I want to be.

It’s such a strange headspace to be in. I can feel it will be somewhat of an emotional experience.

I often think it must be quite lovely to be a submissive that lives with their dominant. It must be nice because they get that break. They can go to work where they exert their dominance and then come home to their submission. Submission isn’t only about scenes either it can just be about the energy that is evident when you’re in a power exchange. It’s all about the little things. Those little things can make the long days balanced.

 Either way all things will work out as they are meant to be. We will fall back into our d/s soon enough.

 I’m looking forward to it.

 I’m looking forward to the release. 

 
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Posted by on October 28, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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