I haven’t been posting a lot of material lately despite the fact that I’m writing all the time. My writings lately all seem so disjointed. The ideas all seem tangential yet related. I haven’t been able to isolate each thought to understand it individually.
I start with one idea and as I write to understand it it morphs into another idea and another and they all feel extremely codependent.
It seems like this isn’t just with kink either it’s with everything. It’s in thinking about my career, my relationships with other people, the future, the life I want to lead over all.
I’ve always been good at thinking about multiple ideas and individualizing them to understand them separately and then their effects together but lately I just can seem to do this.
Everything is muddled together.
I have weeks of ultimate clarity. Weeks where everything makes sense and it’s all very cut and dry but then I have weeks where nothing seems to make sense anymore.
I’ve bounced back and forth so much that I’ve been spending time trying to understand why I’m bouncing back and forth at all.
The weeks where everything makes sense are the weeks I’m telling myself I can get through anything. That the things I think are wrong, and the things i’m unhappy with are going to be okay because what’s another year or so? During that time I tell myself my plan. I detail it out and like a mantra I tell myself that my plan is very important to getting where I want to be in the smartest manner, aka financially sound.
The weeks where I’m consumed by the feeling that nothing is right… well, those are the weeks when the things that aren’t right are plainly in focus. It’s like during this time I’m kicking myself in the backside for trying to convince myself everything would be okay and that somehow my big life plan was going to make up for it.
When I ask myself to picture a time when I was truly happy I know the exact time. I was living away working a full time job living with a roommate I met when I arrived in the new city. I made new friends, dove into a job, worked out 5 days a week, had socials and get together on the weekends, held a relationship, ate well and lived well.
For a long time I’ve been convinced that what made me happy about that time was the fact I’d moved away. So for a long time I’ve been obsessed with and harped on the idea of just up and moving away. The last month or so it’s become apparent to me that it was never the new city that made me happy, because the city wasn’t that ideal; it was not living at home with my parents that made me bone deep happy.
I was in university at the time and moving away was an option I choose and it was an amazing opportunity and experience because it made me a much much wiser person. When I moved back home to live with my parents again I struggled hard to get used to being back. Those short few months I’d gone away “for a change” really Changed Me.
It was like putting glasses on for the first time and seeing clearly. I was happy when I lived away. I lived a better life, a healthy life, a more balanced life because no one was there bullying me or judging me because I surrounded myself with people who supported me fully.
I’d had, when I was still away, a couple of run-ins with my family. They were really horrible and they stick out in my mind all the time as a beacon of why.
I’d changed during that time and when I came home everything that was once “normal” was suddenly very wrong. I saw things for what they really were – broken.
That was about 3 years ago and I’ve struggled a lot since then. When I came home and began noticing everything that was wrong I started diving deeper into my past and deeper into the patterns I was seeing and I started to believe what everyone else had told me all those years, that some of the parenting I received was mental abuse.
I fight with that idea sometimes because there were a lot of good moments over the years. Beautiful moments that I will hold very dear till the day I die but there was also a lot of dark times that haunt me literally in my sleep. Unfortunately the bad times have soured the good in so many ways.
Those times changed who I was. They changed how I feel about myself. They formed my masochism. They shaped how I interact with and create relationships… or the lack there of.
They changed me and I didn’t choose to be changed in such a way but it happened and I’m coming, slowly, to terms with accepting the fact that I can’t take back or change that fact. I’m learning to own that it happened and own that I am worthy of something better.
Essentially I’ve just grown to want more out of my life and I’ve grown to want a different life. I don’t want the same communication patterns, values, beliefs, friends, parents styles, out looks on life, political opinions, negativity or the sexual shame ect that I grew up with.
I know who I am and I know exactly what I want and I know how I’m going to get there… but right now I’m stuck where I am for the next… year at minimum. I’m stuck because I want to do it right and because to do it today I’d have to rely on someone else and that feels… risky.
The years of abuse affected me and don’t get me wrong i’m not perfect. I still have, what I call ‘quirks’ that are behavior patterns of a time of just fighting to mentally survive. I learned patterns of interacting that were designed to keep me safe even though it wasn’t how I wanted to live. So i’m still working through changing these patterns. Often I need someone to tell me to wake up and choose what I want/need to help me break the pattern becasue old habits die hard as it were.
I also know I need more confidence and I need to demand more respect. At the heart of who I am I enjoy to serve because it makes me happy but I’ve found that that desire has been greatly misused by those around me and I’ve suffered for it a lot.
Essentially I’m tired of the lack of respect I get. Respect as a human being, as someone with feelings and as someone who has needs and wants. I’m tired of being made to feel less of a human being.
Right now the lack of respect and confidence has left my life feeling completely out of balance.
I’m blessed enough to have people in my life who allow me the time and the environment to feel me. They show me, just by being authentic, that there is hope and there are people who lead and aspire to lead the life I want as well. That’s very gratifying and very sobering at the same time.
I’m out of balance because I have these sobering moments where everything makes sense and then I’m pushed back into situations and environments where I can’t be me and it hurts.
I find it draining on my mind, my body and my spirit.
Sometimes I find it hard to move in-between the two worlds, and the weeks where I’m struggling a lot are the weeks I don’t do it very fluently.
When I move into those ‘healthy for me’ environments I spend time purging and then flourishing and when I move back to those unhealthy environments I spend time burying who I really am.
I just want to live a life that is authentic. I don’t want to hide anything anymore. I want to be able to share it all and just exist in whatever fashion I so choose and feel confident and respected for it.
I’m not being the nicest person lately and I think it’s because I’m really struggling and I’m also trying to balance sharing those struggles with the people who make me feel the safest and healthiest.
I’m also not being the nicest person because certain things just feel so out of control and I need to feel either in control or safe… and I’m not feeling either one consistently from a holistic perspective on my life.
Sometimes I just feel so shut down, that I go on auto pilot and I don’t give 100% of myself and that’s disappointing for me. It’s disappointing because, again I’m worth far more than that, I’m worthy of all the things I want in my life regardless of what 20+ years of mental abuse told me.
I’m worthy of my wants.
I’m worthy of my desires.
I’m worthy of asking for such things.
I’m worthy of feeling self-worth.
I’m worthy of respect.
I’m worthy of those things for merely being human.
I want the simplest things out of life because to me they are the most extraordinary.
I want a house, a comfortable clean house that has everything I need, a small comfortable house. With a back yard and a wraparound deck. I want a dog. I want weekend trips and hikes in-between clean eating and organiz food shopping. I want to walk a dog every night with someone(s) I love and I want to read good books and do diy projects that come out ‘okay’ but stay in my home forever because making it with my bare hands meant more than anything. I want to laugh hard every single day and I want to love unconditionally and passionately. I want to go to bed every night with someone I love and talk about my day. I want a job that makes me happy and one that challenges me to learn. I want a community and a group of friends I share my life and my world with. I want to have an open home where people are welcome to visit and stay. I want the door to swing often filling a living room or a deck with people smiling and enjoying themselves. I want each day filled with music. I want to do yoga every morning. And compost. Grow fresh herbs on the windowsill and carrots in the garden. I don’t need expensive things for the sake of expensive things I just want the things I enjoy.
I can live without a mink stole and a Maserati.
I just want to live authentically. Happily.
And that starts today.
Regardless of where I am or the situation I’m in I deserve to be authentic and I deserve to share that with the people I choose because I really do have that power. I can choose to succumb to old patters or I can shake myself awake and make the right decision, the ones that make me proud when I look in the mirror.
I think the people I have in my inner circle see that I’m working hard and I hope one day they will get to see the authentic person I am 100% of the time. stress free and happy to the core.
I need to do this for me and for the people I’m sharing my life with, they deserve that as well.
Posting this feels really… silly but writing it was very cathartic. (sometimes i forget just how cathartic, a point worthy of remembering) I’m finding the more open i am about my past, my feelings and personal struggles the more human, validated and okay I feel.