Switching It Up

Being a switch was the topic of a recent podcast I was listening to and it got me thinking… am I… or rather, do I want to be a switch?

I’ve always found it interesting to hear how other people choose to identify, their journey to figuring that out and what it all means to them. It fascinates me to hear how others have grown and come into their own. When I’m listening to others discuss their kinks I often find myself questioning my own kinks in a very healthy explorative way.

I have opinions about other kinks and dynamics based on how I feel about the kink as it relates to my life. Those opinions are rarely a reflection on how I feel about the kink itself. I don’t judge people based on their kinks I respect them for owning it but it also doesn’t mean that i may desire to practice or experiment with their type of kink.

So the podcast on switching got me thinking, could I…do I want to… am I a switch.

Master and I joke occasionally about whether I want to, or whether he would let me top him. It’s something that we joke about and roll around on an intellectual level but it’s not something that’s ever been discussed on a materialized level.

But it begs the question as to whether I would actually want to top him.

I think I would deliver a very specific style of topping that would grow largely out of my own personal desires as a submissive. Essentially I would top the way I would want to be topped. I actually feel I could make a good top in the sense that I feel I could design great scenes and my understanding of d/s from the submissive side would allow me to create a healthy environment for that exchange to unfold.

There is a debate I hear a lot that questions whether bottoms that top are better equip then tops who have never bottomed. That debate in and of itself deserves its own post but essentially I don’t think one is better equipped than the other but that they carry different perspectives that bring something unique to the exchange. Good tops and bottoms are often in the eye of the beholder and it’s really about finding the right fit for each other.

In slight contradiction I think that my desires as a submissive would help me as a top and I believe I could give a bottom something enjoyable if we shared certain similarities.

From a general perspective I simply can’t imagine being a full time dominate to a male submissive. I understand that d/s relationships and the kinks shared are unique but the general picture of a female dom and a male sub d/s relationship doesn’t excite me.

I’ve watched male submissive porn and I’ve scanned enough fet pictures to see snaps of what the role involves and the most common kinks and I don’t carry any yearning to take on that type of 24/7 responsibility. I understand that porn and fet certainly are not the best or the only representations of what a certain dynamic is but my strong submissive desires and my knowledge that i’m not inherently attracted to male submission has been exacerbated through these mediums. 

Where it gets tricky is when I factor my Master into the scenario. With him I know he is my Master and I know he holds the upper reins and I know I can submit to him and share in my needs and wants. The largest tenet and happiness of my submission is my ability to serve and please my Master.

Outside of my hard limits there doesn’t seem to be anything he could ask of me that I wouldn’t do if I had the understanding that its execution would bring him true happiness. With that true understanding all fears and uncertainties fade away. I put pleasing my Master ahead of most other internal thoughts, needs and wants. I can be very vocal about my wants and needs but I’m also very quick to oblige and trade my wants and needs for his.

Knowing that my service brings happiness to my Master means I could, in service to him, in submission to him, I could top him.

I could very happily turn into a dominant person and provide him anything he desired. Dominance, impact play, cbt… a sadist for his masochism. I could, and i would with immense sexual and service pleasure top him. Being dominant is in my personality i spend all day being dominant so it isn’t a far stretch for me to exert outside of my career. I could do this knowing that i was actually in submission to him. 

Essentially my dominance in that situation would be a display of my submission to him. That submissive dedication, lust, intimacy ect I have for my Master would grow and extend in my dominance to him and, for me, would be a deepening of my submission and that connection we share.

I don’t desire to be a full time dominant but I do desire to serve and please and for that reason I could top a male, my Master.

If I was in attendance of a play party where I had the option to top a male or a female (a person other than my Master) I would hands down choose a female. Largely because that idea excites me sexually and intellectually, in part because I know my Master would take great interest and pride in seeing me top a female but also because I feel far better equip to top a female then a male. I think I would also feel far more sexually confident topping a female.

Even if I was topping a female, the one assuming the power or control, I would still be in service, dedication and be control by my Master. That distinction is important for me because, again, that form of topping would be an extension of my submission.

Topping a female is something that has always intrigued me because I really am a lover of the female body and I would love to exert the control to touch and feel another female body to my preference. I would enjoy experiencing bondage and sadism by topping a female.

But I would love the duality of knowing I am someone else’s submissive; that as much as I may assume control over someone else for a period of time that I am very much under the control and power of my chosen Master. For me that is a beautiful duality that speaks to something very deep in me.

I love the idea of having Master give me the control to top another female while he holds ultimate control over me. I think it would be very gratifying for me to experience both emotions and modes in one scene. To be topping another female yet have my Master topping me… or even watching from the side extending his dominance over me in small ways.

The podcast got me thinking and I’ve come to an understanding that is true at this very moment in time.

I have no desire to top or dominate a male on a 24/7 basis…

I do however hold desire to top my Master should he choose to have me service him in that way.

That desire is not a need of mine but rather a depth of my desire to service and submit to him. That understanding, for me, is that my dominance over him would be a service to him and that he would still hold ultimate control over me which is the satiating factor for me.

The word dominance in the traditional sense paints the picture that there would be a shift in power but in this case that simply isn’t accurate; the power would remain unchanged. Under these circumstances I would have great satisfaction topping a male both sexually and intimately while meeting my submissive desires.

I have come to understand that I could and would greatly enjoy the experience of topping a female which, again, isn’t a need but a desire.. a check box on my kinky bucket list if you will. Again for that scenario to unfold I would want the consent, the permission, and the dominance of my Master. I would want him involved and present. I could never see myself entertaining the idea of dominating another female without him present and with his permission and consent.

Without it I would feel it to be a deal breaker.

I’m not seeking either of these things right now but it’s nice to have an understanding of what it means to me.

 

 

Ohh.. Your Still In The Honeymoon Phase

When Master and I got together and would attend kink friendly functions people would always ask “how long have you been together.” Gushingly we would respond… a month…. 3 months…. 6 months… Then a smile would creep across their face as they responded “Ohh… your still in the honeymoon phase.”

Every time someone would respond with that statement I would feel so frustrated.

The honeymoon phase, as people refer to it, is that early time in your relationship when everything is simply new. You’re learning about each other slowly with each date and all their little idiosyncrasies are just adorable. You’re utterly infatuated and lusty. You spend time being completely focused on each other hoping to impress and dressing for success. You want nothing more to spend hours in bed together.

And then… as the phase goes, it all changes. Suddenly all those cute idiosyncrasies become annoying and you’re not interested in spending hours in bed together. The lust and infatuation has turned into comfortable pajamas and movies on the tv. Hours dedicated to each other has been jilted for real life.

Fustration.

The statement implies that that the honeymoon phase has to end. Like we are destine for this bleak and boring life; It’s simply not true.

We can choose to keep the honey moon phase alive. We don’t have to just settle into pajamas at night and movies on the tele. We certainly don’t have to take each other for granted either.

We can choose every day to be thankful to be together. We can choose to enjoy the pajamas and movies and also spend nights charming our partners and taking them on a lusty sexy ride. We can choose to see their idiosyncrasies as still cute and a reason why we fell for each other in the first place. We can bring things back to the beginning and have 4 hours coffee dates that end in a dark parking lot in the back seat of your car. You can choose to see real life as a blessing and enjoy the very fact that you choose to share in it together.

Might sound naively romantic, I know, but it’s all about choice.  

I will give the statement some credit because there is a change in the dynamic of a couple the longer you are together. It’s not a shift of mourning as the statement implies but rather should be a shift of excitement.

There is nothing more fulfilling then when you get to share your life, all of your life, with another person. When they hang out with your friends, when they see you regularly without makeup in your sweat pants, when they hold your hand and stick by you through some of the saddest or toughest moments in your life, when they stand by you in photos for all the memorable moments, when they know all your secrets and still stick by you, when all you want is to make them bone-deep happy, when you both realize that spending quality time together is both fulfilling and healing.

When you realize they want you apart of their life as well.

The lust and the infatuation just changes as you get to sew them into the fabric of your life but it doesn’t have to end.

When Master and I got together it really was a whirlwind and it was fun to live in that limited world of the honeymoon phase as real life waited just behind the door. It was waiting though, and since those early weeks we have embraced it whole heartedly. We recognize that our lives contain more than just kink and… well…us. We have friends and families and we have careers and lives that all have demands on us individually but we also recognize that together we can face it. Together we will face all the good times and all the bad.

A little over a year later since Master and I met and no we aren’t closing down coffee shops and spending hours messaging back and forth. Instead we are making tea at home, watching some of our favorite shows and supporting and loving each other through the familiarity and comfort of our routines admits of some of the chaos.

In the beginning of the relationship you’re fueled by the newness and lust but over time as your relationship stabilizes your fueled by something much more powerful.

You’re fueled by a love and a respect that’s more than the superficiality of the fairy tales of our Disney princesses. 

 

Black and Blue, Mark Of A Good Time

I wrote a post not that long ago about my relationship with pain play and masochism. The shorten version is that I do have masochistic tendencies and I do enjoy and crave pain but it’s not the go to way to turn me on, not even close. I derive a very different level of pleasure from pain that isn’t sexual. I’m still really learning quite a bit about my relationship with pain so it’s truly an ever evolving thing at the moment. I’m finding more and more I’m fantasizing about pain and I’m incredibly turned on by the thought of it.

When I got into the lifestyle I went through a period of not truly accepting my submission even though I knew it was what I wanted and needed. It changed with time and a lot of internal work and I feel in many respects I’m at that very spot now with pain play. I want it, I need it but I’m not quite accepting its existence. I am looking to find its place in my world of submission.

In light of the love hate relationship I have with pain play I have found something I dearly love about it. If for no other reason I will continue experimenting with pain play because I love my bruises.

I’ve grown quite fond of my bruises over the months. Bruises are marks of my submission. They are indicators that I have endured for my Master. That I have submitted and by doing so I have listened to my needs and I have fulfilled the needs of both of us.

I love to watch the bruises grow over my skin the first few days after the scene and I enjoy watching them change color. I enjoy the little jolt of pain I experience when sit on a chair. They act as reminders that I am and have submitted to another wonderful human being.

It’s a difficult concept to grasp for those living purely in the vanilla world. The idea that I’m proud that I have bruises from a caning my significant other gave me. For most people that’s a sign of serious abuse and rightfully so but that in its own right makes it feel like a lovely guilty pleasure. That I hold something so taboo to such a high esteem. I choose to have my bruises and I choose to allow someone I trust and care deeply about to provide me that experience. I trust him to step into this dangerous and dark world with me. In a sexually shaming society founded on the notion that anything outside of the cultural norm is somehow morally and ethically wrong it becomes extremely profound to know that I have someone whom I can go to and request the deepest and darkest desires and never fear judgement or criticism.

I can ask this person to chain me up, blind fold me, gag me and hit me with a cane until I’m black and blue and I’m crying and broken. I can break the mainstream societal norm because I trust deeply in another person to provide mutually, together, this power exchange.

I currently live with individuals who wouldn’t understand this concept in the least. They could never bridge the gap and I certainly don’t think they could at least reach the understanding that as long as I’m happy then everything else is secondary.

Arguably they are concerned about safety, health and wellbeing. Naturally when you’ve grown up fairly conservative and sexually old fashion in a world of female empowerment it’s strange to think that my choice to give that up is progressive and not regressive. I don’t believe they would see it that way.

I don’t view myself as weak because I identify as a submissive but rather I see myself as powerful and honest to who I am. My power and freedom to choose makes me just as much of an equal power as my dominant.

It does cross my mind about what I would say should someone ever see my bruises. Master and I have been careful to not bruise skin which is easily exposed in public and we have timed our play out to ensure that I’m not bruised in areas of concern for doctors’ visits and the like. The risk is always present though, there is always a risk someone might walk in on you changing or in the washroom and see my bruises and therefore I wonder what I would do or say.

I have no problem educating people that d/s is a type of relationship founded on being safe sane and consensual and that the play people partake in is done because people are risk aware and consensual. That I believe is something we have no other choice but to do when we choose to enter into this lifestyle and its one I take very seriously.  But there is a difference. I can educate people but I don’t have to explain myself or prove anything because of the decisions I make. They are my decisions and mine only.

Bruises are complicated little things because they do make your less then mainstream choices public.

Regardless, I am utterly in love with my bruises. I enjoy watching them grown and change and fade away only to be replaced again. They are extremely rewarding, empowering and solidifying.

Master has a foot fetish (truthfully I do as well) and enjoys doing pain play on my feet. During one of our play sessions the toy he was using was giving some wrap around on the foot and I walked away with the sweetest little bruise on the top of my foot. I’m not going to lie but that bruise was probably the most meaningful of them all. It was a tiny light colored bruise but it was perfect and beautiful. IT was all about the meaning it held.

The bruises make it all worthwhile. My endurance is born out of my desire to please my Master, of course, but on a personal level my endurance is born because I want the reminders as well. I want to be able to look at that the bruises and be reminded that I have been used. That my body was used for another to satiate themselves upon.

My bruises are representations and reminders of my submission. They are reminders that I have endured and that I am a submissive when I am back living in the dominant side of my life.

Every night when Master and I are apart and I take off my clothes and I see those bruises on my body I am proud. I am happy. I am reminded I am owned and I am reminded of the time we shared together.

My bruises make me proud.

They empower me.

 

Black and Blue, Mark Of A Good Time

I wrote a post not that long ago about my relationship with pain play and masochism. The shorten version is that I do have masochistic tendencies and I do enjoy and crave pain but it’s not the go to way to turn me on, not even close. I derive a very different level of pleasure from pain that isn’t sexual. I’m still really learning quite a bit about my relationship with pain so it’s truly an ever evolving thing at the moment. I’m finding more and more I’m fantasizing about pain and I’m incredibly turned on by the thought of it.

When I got into the lifestyle I went through a period of not truly accepting my submission even though I knew it was what I wanted and needed. It changed with time and a lot of internal work and I feel in many respects I’m at that very spot now with pain play. I want it, I need it but I’m not quite accepting its existence. I am looking to find its place in my world of submission.

In light of the love hate relationship I have with pain play I have found something I dearly love about it. If for no other reason I will continue experimenting with pain play because I love my bruises.

I’ve grown quite fond of my bruises over the months. Bruises are marks of my submission. They are indicators that I have endured for my Master. That I have submitted and by doing so I have listened to my needs and I have fulfilled the needs of both of us.

I love to watch the bruises grow over my skin the first few days after the scene and I enjoy watching them change color. I enjoy the little jolt of pain I experience when sit on a chair. They act as reminders that I am and have submitted to another wonderful human being.

It’s a difficult concept to grasp for those living purely in the vanilla world. The idea that I’m proud that I have bruises from a caning my significant other gave me. For most people that’s a sign of serious abuse and rightfully so but that in its own right makes it feel like a lovely guilty pleasure. That I hold something so taboo to such a high esteem. I choose to have my bruises and I choose to allow someone I trust and care deeply about to provide me that experience. I trust him to step into this dangerous and dark world with me. In a sexually shaming society founded on the notion that anything outside of the cultural norm is somehow morally and ethically wrong it becomes extremely profound to know that I have someone whom I can go to and request the deepest and darkest desires and never fear judgement or criticism.

I can ask this person to chain me up, blind fold me, gag me and hit me with a cane until I’m black and blue and I’m crying and broken. I can break the mainstream societal norm because I trust deeply in another person to provide mutually, together, this power exchange.

I currently live with individuals who wouldn’t understand this concept in the least. They could never bridge the gap and I certainly don’t think they could at least reach the understanding that as long as I’m happy then everything else is secondary.

Arguably they are concerned about safety, health and wellbeing. Naturally when you’ve grown up fairly conservative and sexually old fashion in a world of female empowerment it’s strange to think that my choice to give that up is progressive and not regressive. I don’t believe they would see it that way.

I don’t view myself as weak because I identify as a submissive but rather I see myself as powerful and honest to who I am. My power and freedom to choose makes me just as much of an equal power as my dominant.

It does cross my mind about what I would say should someone ever see my bruises. Master and I have been careful to not bruise skin which is easily exposed in public and we have timed our play out to ensure that I’m not bruised in areas of concern for doctors’ visits and the like. The risk is always present though, there is always a risk someone might walk in on you changing or in the washroom and see my bruises and therefore I wonder what I would do or say.

I have no problem educating people that d/s is a type of relationship founded on being safe sane and consensual and that the play people partake in is done because people are risk aware and consensual. That I believe is something we have no other choice but to do when we choose to enter into this lifestyle and its one I take very seriously.  But there is a difference. I can educate people but I don’t have to explain myself or prove anything because of the decisions I make. They are my decisions and mine only.

Bruises are complicated little things because they do make your less then mainstream choices public.

Regardless, I am utterly in love with my bruises. I enjoy watching them grown and change and fade away only to be replaced again. They are extremely rewarding, empowering and solidifying.

Master has a foot fetish (truthfully I do as well) and enjoys doing pain play on my feet. During one of our play sessions the toy he was using was giving some wrap around on the foot and I walked away with the sweetest little bruise on the top of my foot. I’m not going to lie but that bruise was probably the most meaningful of them all. It was a tiny light colored bruise but it was perfect and beautiful. IT was all about the meaning it held.

The bruises make it all worthwhile. My endurance is born out of my desire to please my Master, of course, but on a personal level my endurance is born because I want the reminders as well. I want to be able to look at that the bruises and be reminded that I have been used. That my body was used for another to satiate themselves upon.

My bruises are representations and reminders of my submission. They are reminders that I have endured and that I am a submissive when I am back living in the dominant side of my life.

Every night when Master and I are apart and I take off my clothes and I see those bruises on my body I am proud. I am happy. I am reminded I am owned and I am reminded of the time we shared together.

My bruises make me proud.

They empower me.