Sir or Master: Title Preferences

My parents raised me to be a respectfully adult.

Chew with your mouth closed. Cover sneezes and coughs. Speak when you’re spoken too. Make eye contact. Say please and thank you. Respect your elders. Acknowledge with Sir and Ma’am as a sign of respect.

From an early age I’ve been calling people Sir and Ma’am because I was taught to be respectful. Having worked in the public eye those words get used on a daily bases. The frequency at which I use those words has over time caused them to lose a lot of their meaning. I throw them around with no attachment. I still use them as a sign of respect but I have no attachment to the words as they flow out of my mouth. They flow as easy as saying hello.

Sir is a term used a fair bit in the bdsm and d/s lifestyles and is used to refer to one’s dominant. The term is used to reference the power exchange, or imbalance as some would say, and it is there as well to denote a level of respect. Not to mention, it is often the term people entering the life style come into contact with first. Many dominants in the community, not even ones you may directly be playing with, enjoy being referred to as Sir. Sometimes they have earned that right, sometimes they have not. Over my years of bdsm and d/s styled porn watching Sir is the more common term used.

When we negotiated our play early on we agreed, in contract, that the term Sir would be used when I referred to him both in and outside of play. As our scenes progressed it became evident that I struggled with the use of the term Sir when referring to my dominant.

My apprehensions are this:

I’ve grown up using the term Sir. It carries little meaning to me other than a word to denote a common day level of respect. I use it in my personal life and I use it in my career. It’s just a word. It is as common to me as saying hello, as saying thank-you. It carries but a figurative meaning of respect. I don’t feel or mean the respect it’s meant to denote at the inner core of my being.

This lack of respect that the term Sir has for me meant that I wished to use a term of deeper meaning. A term that only I could bestow upon my dominant. A term that represented the respect, the need, the power exchange and the dedication I had for my dominant. I asked him for the right to call him Master.

Together we discussed the use of either term and together we agreed that I would be granted the right to call him Master.  

Since that day I have used this term with upmost respect. It isn’t a term I use in vain, humor or sarcasm. This is a term I use because I mean everything it stands for. I mean it not just on the surface but it has become ingrained within my submissive self.

It speaks from my mouth only for him. Master is not a term I would or could use for anyone but him. It is a term no one else will refer to him as. It is a term only for us. Others may call him Sir out of respect but I am not anyone.

I am his.

I am his submissive, I have chosen my place.

I have chosen a Master not a Sir.

Recently in play I have been requested by him to call him Sir and I have been unable to fulfill that desire of his appropriately. In displeasure of his request I have found myself either unable to speak or completely disobedient and in utter disregard.

It is not that I wish to be disobedient and it is not that I wish to disobey him of his requests. It is that I find the disobedience of his request on the surface to be far less disrespectful than the disrespect of calling him Sir.

Perhaps the defiance has grown because I have spoken my peace on the use of the term Sir before and thus being asked to use it feels… provoking. Maybe it is that I feel less yours. Maybe it is that I feel interchangeable or replaceable. But it feels provoking. Like it severs the respect.

Master was a term you gave me. You gave me the right to call you My Master.

My dominant and I met on a fetish site under pseudo names. For me his pseudo name has acted to some degree as a replacement for calling him Master especially when we are in public and aside from that I speak freely when in conversation with him.  While not holding the same esteem, his pseudo name is, for me, denotes a higher level of respect. Therefore, the term Master is used most often when we play as that time is the strongest representation of our exchange. It is a time when we call upon our needs the most and it is the time when I feel at most in purpose of my submission.

Taking back my right to call you Master makes me feel like you are taking back all the meanings I have placed on the term destroying is self-propelled reciprocity in turn making it all feel insignificant. Taking back that right you bestowed me feels like I am stripped of my place and my right.

Perhaps it is that on the surface the terms Sir and Master appear interchangeable for a committed submissive of one dominant. But it burns something inside of me to say the word. I feel it to be an insurmountable level of disrespect because that word for me holds no meaning. No true respect, no true denotation of my level of commitment to being his submissive.

I feel dirty and I feel like a trader for using it. I feel like I betray everything we have worked hard for. It makes me feel like a whore.

Maybe this all sounds dramatic. Maybe it sounds inconceivable that a word, such a small word, could hold such meaning; but it does. I’ve spend months growing fond of the terms we choose for each other. I’ve spent months equating the growing trust, honesty, communication, devotion and love to the term Master such that every time I choose to speak it I breathe more life into the exchange that binds us.

I felt that way when we began and as time has passed these feelings have only intensified as we have fallen deeper.

Perhaps it is that we hold different meanings of the term Sir. But should its interest be the mere cliché nature that the community has placed on it (I speak of something other than those d/s couples who hold the term Sir to a similar standard I have placed on the term Master) then all I can say is that I am giving you much more than that.

What I know is that right now the term breeds a great deal of disobedience which may breed unnecessary consequences.

Perhaps in time my opinions on this may change.

Perhaps I must swallow my pride and accept the decisions you would like.

Perhaps I have placed too much meaning on such a word.

Nonetheless its meaning is a honest representation of how I feel and perhaps putting voice to its meaning for you may assist in changing mine. Reason creates purpose and place.

For me it’s just a word, nothing more.